The X-Files Recap: Mulder and Scully Meet the Weremonster

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By Amy Joy, @amyjoy331

 

A man and a woman huff spray paint under the light of a beautiful full moon. (You may recognize the man with gold paint in his beard as none other than our own Picking Favorites Podcaster Tyler Labine!!) They hear some suspicious noises which may or may not be hallucinations. Accompanied by the sight of a Lizard Man attacking another man. The creature runs off and they check on the guy—he’s fine—but there’s a third body and well, he’s definitely not. He’s dead.

 

Mulder is back to his usual pencil throwing habits but this time, at the signature poster instead of the ceiling. Scully protests the mistreatment and Mulder goes on a long winded rant about how their past “monster cases” can be dismissed so easily. I expected him to rant about “damn young kids” next; we get it Mulder, you’re old now and not the bright-eyed-optimistic monster chaser you once were.

 

They head out to investigate the dead body in the woods. Well, bodies. There’s three more than the stoners discovered originally. Mulder continues to wax on all cynical and logical. So sad to see him so…logical. Thank God Scully continues to be his voice of reason.

 

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At a truck stop, the Lizard Man goes to attack a prostitute, who hits him with her purse. After Mulder and Scully question her, they go monster hunting with the animal control guy—who we met earlier, being attacking in the woods. Mulder had a photo app that he can’t work and the Lizard Man attacks. The agents corner the Lizard Man in a porta potti but when they bust the door open, there’s just a man inside.

 

After working on the autopsy, Mulder and Scully return to their hotel. Mulder wakes after hearing suspicious noises followed by the word “monster”. After talking with the drunk manager, who tells him about an unruly guest, Mulder goes and checks out the room. There’s a cell phone store bag in the wreckage. He pockets the only useful bit of evidence—a bottle of pills—and discovers a secret passageway. The manager has been spying on everyone. And after Mulder peaks in on Scully through a “mounted” fox head, he busts the manager, who spills his guts—and the truth. The guest shifted into a Lizard Man.

 

Naturally, Mulder unloads all this new information to Scully and then promptly suggestions they check out of the hotel. A wise, wise decision.

 

Mulder talks to the doctor that prescribed the meds that were found in the room. After talking about an urban legend about a man-eating lizard dragon and the fact that Mulder believes in them, the doctor offers a relaxing mechanism and antipsychotics. Mulder leaves the script there. While Mulder deals with that lead, Scully goes to the cell phone store. Guy Mann, the man from the porta potti aka the hotel guest is there working.

 

By the time Mulder joins Scully, the store is a mess and she tells Mulder that Guy quit in a rampage and left. Mulder leaves to track him down and finds him—as the doctor had suggested—in a local cemetery. Guy tries to get Mulder to kill him, a scene that was so ridiculous it was hilarious. Mulder instead gets him to talk…and we learn a surprising twist.

 

Guy claims he was bitten by a person—and had been a Lizard Man until that point. After being bitten by a person, he began to shift into a human form. Being a human is making him miserable mess. And long, rambly, somewhat slightly embellished story later that includes Guy experience the monotony of life as a human: eating, drinking, working, adopting a dog—named Daggoo—and losing him, Mulder tries to point out some logic:

 

“I’m just looking for some kind of internal logic.” He tells Guy

 

“Why? There’s isn’t any external logic to any of it.” Guy replies.

 

(That statement in itself pretty much sums up this monster themed episode, however hilarious it is.)

 

Anyways, Guy runs off after Mulder refuses to kill him again and the Lizard Man finds out Mulder has lied to him. Scully calls Mulder (HER RINGTONE WAS THE THEME!! PERFECTION!) She’s at animal control…it’s then Mulder realizes who the real killer is as he hears Scully struggling on the other end of the phone.

 

It was the animal control guy all along and Scully handled things solo and flawless (because, hello, she’s Dana Scully. She didn’t need any back up.)

 

The.X.Files.Were.Monster

 

In the end, Scully takes Guy’s dog, who ended up at animal control and Mulder goes off to find Guy. He finds him in the woods and they talk before Guy goes off to hibernate for 10,000 years. Mulder sees him in his Lizard Man form and looks like a kid on Christmas. He believes again! All is right with the world!

 

Favorite Moments and Quotes

  • If I could transcribe the entire episode, I would. It was chocked full of hilarious dialogue and Easter eggs galore and scenes. Honestly, I laughed through 98% of the episode. This had the feel of Bad Blood but amped up to 11.
  • Scully: “Mulder, the internet isn’t good for you.”
  • Scully: “You’re batcrap crazy.”
  • Guy: “I did something insane…No! I got a puppy!”
  • Guy: “…a man took a picture of me in a porta-potty…”

Mulder: “That was me, actually.”

 Guy: “I thought I recognized you.”

  • Scully: “He’s a cute little guy, reminds me of Queequeg.”
  • Scully: “Besides, apparently I’m immortal.”
  • Mulder: “I want to believe!”
  • We’re already half way through the revival! I don’t want it to end!!

 

So what are your thoughts fellow X-Philes?


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