THE WORLD IS ENDING… Oh, wait.
by Noor Alnaqeeb (@nooralnaqeeb)
Disclaimer: I am not an Ancient Mayan interpreter, so by all means deem all my information inaccurate.
BREAKING NEWS: Meteors have entered the atmosphere, dormant volcanoes are erupting destroying thousands of cities, Godzilla has come back from the fictional dead and is terrorizing New York City. Oh, wait hold on. That’s not happening. Wasn’t the world supposed to end today? If so, where are the worldwide solar flares? Why is my phone still working? Why are my deadlines still looming? Most importantly, where on our dysfunctional Earth is John Cusack? Sure Facebook and Twitter might as well have come to a standstill due to the thousands of posts about Armageddon, but look! The skies are clear and the world is still spinning.
Many have discussed whether our fates fall in the hands of a black hole, a passing asteroid or a head-on collision with a planet called “Nibiru”. Some even say it’ll be due to Rebecca Black releasing her first official album. Now, that’s just ridiculous. She’d never be allowed to release an album. Considering the fact that NASA had to release an official statement informing the world that there is no scientific evidence pointing to an overnight apocalypse; I found myself wondering what the craziest stories of the 2012 apocalypse were. The date is closer than ever. You’d expect panic, an increase in save-me-shelters, maybe even weekly news reports on unnatural activity. But no, we’re just chilling. Well, expect for the following people. I present to you:
*Drum roll please*
The Top Five “You’re Gonna Regret That To-Maya” Stories
1. A farmer in China has spent a year and $30,000 creating safety pods, nicknaming them Noah’s Arks. The pods are prepped with oxygen tanks, batteries, food supplies and enough space for thirty people.
2. A Doomsday Prepper has created an underground bunker made of forty-two school buses that are buried in concrete.
3. A retired public transportation worker used his life savings of $140,000 to create an ad campaign warning people about the end of the world.
4. Survival: Adventure to Apocalypse is a store equipped for the end, as it is nigh. Selling everything from waterproof notepads to boots for your pets, making me excited for the December 22 clear-out sale.
5. The Apocalypse 2012 Insurance Company is a business that insures almost every doomsday scenario, including an alien invasion, a planet collision, nuclear Armageddon or the reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. If you buy their exclusive deal that is “only valid following the prophesized events of December 21, 2012,” then you get your very own copy of the 2012 Apocalypse Insurance Policy and a free “I’m insured!” t-shirt.
The world has seen this act before, Internet. We know what you’re up to. The Y2K bug, remember that? When everyone believed that all the world’s computers would reset and the economy would disappear into a black hole of nothingness. Or not long before that, some might find it hard to remember, in 1499, Johannes Stoeffler predicted that the world would end in 1524 because six planets would be in conjunction to the constellation of Pisces. The logic: Pisces is represented by the symbol of a fish; fish live in water; this obviously meant that the world would be destroyed by water. Unbelievable, right? Wrong. 20,000 Londoners waited for the apocalyptic rain. Nothing happened and they went home. Oh, apocalypse predictors, such vivid imaginations. So, while preppers are sitting in underground bunkers made of abandoned school buses in the mountain cap of Everest, I think I’ll sit right here writing and watching Apocalypse Now.
But before it all goes down, here are the highlights of the world, as I knew it:
• This cat
• Honey Badgers
• All Zachary Levi-related things
• Fuzzy Socks
• More cake
• This video:
• And pizza
… among a few other things. What are your highlights of the world, humans?
Due to editorial reasons, this article was written before the 21st of December 2012. So, if the world has already ended, this never gets published and we’re all turning into zombies somewhere in Atlanta… my bad. But let me leave you with this reassuring fact: I have herbs that expire in 2015, so I guess you could say… we have plenty of thyme.