Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s a crossbow, let’s kill some zombies

81zombiesurvial Separator

by Angelle Bonnecarrere

I may not be a lot of things, but I’m always prepared. Case in point: Zombie. Apocalypse.
Now I know that it’s very trendy to discuss what your escape plan would be and who your ragtag team of survivors would include, but I will be honest…I’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff since I read The Stand in 8th grade. I’ve been ready to move to the woods, wear a flak jacket to bed, and drink my own pee for years. I don’t even know how to shoot a gun, but give me one headline about a “mysterious virus” and I’m at the shooting range. It’s interesting to hear people strategize, talk water filtration, who would make it, and who they hope would turn into a zombie because they’ve gotten sooo annoying and if I have to hear about that stupid trip to St. Tropez one more time….

The idea of who you would bring along to join “Team Zombie Apocalypse” (let’s make t-shirts!) was one that came up courtesy of Nerd Machiner, Triciamazballs, at HQ. She asked Zac who he would want to draft for his ultimate survival team, as if the zombies would give us time to assemble The Avengers and save earth. More than likely your ragtag team of survivors will be your neighbors. One minute she’s nice Miss Dorothy from next door who always gets your packages while you’re away, next minute she’s Rambo and taking out zombie ice cream man with a shotgun.

So now that you’re armed with a baseball bat and Miss Dorothy from next door, where do you go? Depends on where you live…according to Discovery Channel’s “After Armageddon” if you live in L.A., you need to get in your Prius and get the heck out of there. The reason why was not fully explained. Are we all going to be living in L.A. by that time? Do I need an exit strategy? Cause I’m all ears. I’m sure as you make your way out of the environs of the city, you will amass your team. Oh hey, it’s that crazy guy from the gun store, and the nurse from when you broke your ankle a year ago, and that guy from Jiffy Lube who totally ripped you off on that oil change a week ago. There you all are, thrown together by fate and monsters that want to eat your brains.

To help you with your journey here are some pointers:

1). Stay off of the main roads: Apparently there will be roaming hordes of rednecks in trucks who will try to steal your stuff, they might even kill you for your bottles of water or gas. Stay away. Take the Land Rover off-roading for the first time. It might be fun.

2). Forage: You can live 30 days without food, 3 without water. Bugs are apparently a good meal according to Bear Grylls. Also if you need to give yourself an enema or need other survival tips I recommend his show, Man vs. Wild, or Survivorman for all of your Armageddon survival needs.

3). Wagons East!: The wild west, less robotic spiders and more public executions. As you move east you encounter all the “flyover states” where more than likely martial law will have taken over. I recommend watching Deadwood. Men: get ready to channel your inner Clint Eastwood or Timothy Olyphant, whichever facial hair you prefer. Women: Brothel life may seem exciting for you adventurous types, but it is NOT recommended. So maybe brush up on your hymns and join the church choir instead.

4). Learn how to garden: This will come in handy when you will need to grow crops to survive. That hard earned degree in Aerospace Engineering from MIT? Well, at least you don’t owe Sallie Mae any more money.

5). Get in shape: I can’t be the only one wanting to keep up my looks in case I have to sell myself to the overlord of New New York for a Diet Dr. Pepper.

So there you go, just when you thought REI and the Ranger Surplus stores were for those adventure seeking weirdos, left wing extremists, and high schoolers who want to look different. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

More more info on surviving the coming Zombie apocalypse, check out these fine books: The Zombie Survival Guide and Zombies at the Door, Planning for the Inevitable

Photo credit Tony Moore


    5 Comments

  1. VanessaAugust 1st, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Favorite line:
    5). Get in shape: I can’t be the only one wanting to keep up my looks in case I have to sell myself to the overlord of New New York for a Diet Dr. Pepper.

    Great article by a well-spoken writer! Looking forward to more!

  2. Juan MarioAugust 1st, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Love it!

  3. JaimeAugust 1st, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    OMG!!! And this is one of the many reasons why I ♥ this girl! She is a fantastic writer and her intellect on things seems to be never ending. I totally call her for my Zombie Apocalypse Team!

  4. ClaudiuAugust 2nd, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I don’t know how to break it to you, but very likely, in a case of a zombie apocalypse there are 90% chances that you will die in the first wave of the outbreak.
    P.S : Sorry for my bad english, i’m not a native speaker!

  5. WintorzAugust 15th, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    6) Recruit the trailer park heroes. You know it makes sense.

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