Four Sherlocks Who Never Actually Say “Elementary”


by Jessica Black (@jblacktalk)

1. Sherlock aka Brits take over remaking their own ‘ish because  we mess it up


Or as I call it, Sherception. This show is like a mix betwixt eating  at a French restaurant and that horror movie Johnny Depp was in. Not  only is new Sherlock excessively brainy, he has a brother, a backstory  and a nemesis, who is attractive in a Adrian-Brody-had-a-baby-with-the-joker  kind of way. I also dig this show because it doesn’t ignore the basic  human truth; smart people are usually jerks.

When BBC’s Sherlock is not too busy having diagnosed psychotic disorders  he can be found flirting with (male) Watson and receiving, but never  responding to, steamy text messages in a seductress-hunting chess game  so suave that it would move Barney Stinson to tears.

Benedict Cumberbatch (as Sherlock Holmes), who took an extended leave  of absence from the harlequin romance novel from which he sprung, does  not disappoint in the loveable scoundrel or the cheekbone department.  He is fly. Irene Adler, played by Lara Pulver is the sexy, wounded ladyscoundrel  who whips up enough sexual tension to make Matt Lauer and his mirror  look like “just friends.”

Overall, this Sherlockian mystery/crime/cerebral/confusedsexuality  show is addicting and makes me feel sexysmart for liking it.

2. Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century


Other than Chia Pets infomercials Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century was the best thing on between 6:00 and 7:00 a.m.  on weekdays in the prepubescent millennium (1999-2000). Officer Beth  Lestrade basically tags along with cloned Sherlock Holmes while he tries  to out-[de]duce cloned Professor Moriarty. Also, Watson is a super computer.  Makes sense.

3. Sherlock  Holmes


What  else is there to say? Iron Man plays neurotic British detective who  loves street rat Regina George.

This  movie only got 70% on Rotten Tomatoes, which I’m pretty sure is just  because everyone was still on stimulus overload by Pocahontas in Smurf  land.

I loved Sherlock Holmes because it was the first non-Scooby-Doo movie to take a U-turn at “eerie” before  “supernatural” and stop for gas at “romantic comedy.” Not to  mention the unquestionable coolness of Minority-Reporting a boxing match.

4. Elementary


Basically, this show is  an excuse for Lucy Liu to have chemistry with a guy wearing a scarf.  I only heard of this show because of the Super Bowl commercial. Elementary exists in a Hulu-free universe (Like, seriously,  it’s not on Hulu. Het over yourself CBS.), which is like eating pudding  with a fork. Not impossible but really freaking annoying — some internet  meme.

In  this Sherlock universe, Holmes has just checked out of rehab and is  distracting himself with crime-solving and dressing like Dave Matthews.

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