Adventures of a Non-Gamer: Tomb Raider
by Shawnie Kelly (@DearShawnie)
I’m not really the “girl power” type. That is, I’ve never felt the need for proving that women can do everything men can do, etc… My biceps are not as big as a man’s, and yes, I will let him carry my bags if he’s going to offer. You feel me? That being said… LARA CROFT, Y’ALL! I have had zero experience with Tomb Raider. In fact, I have no idea what a tomb raider even is, nor did playing the game for a couple hours shed any light on what a tomb raider is. I’m guessing it has something to do with raiding tombs? I never got to that point in the journey — maybe one day. The only knowledge I have of the franchise is that Angelina Jolie played Lara in some movies and had a super long braid and super short shorts. That’s all I needed to know, considering I am a non-gamer and all. However, I just recently decided to become more familiar. All of the hype surrounding the release of the new Tomb Raider installment left me curious and even somewhat excited to give it a go.
One thing I did notice about this game is just how many ways you can bite the dust. Really, it seems like the number of ways you can die is infinite. I should know, you guys. I wonder if the friendly people over at Tomb Raider Incorporated are looking for a spokesperson that has personal experience with every death method they created? Hit me up! I’d love to talk about my incapability! My personal favorite is being crushed by a boulder. It’s not gory enough to make me queasy, and it gives you just enough warning to prepare yourself for what’s about to happen. There are things are girl thinks about when a giant boulder is hurtling through the air straight for her — like whether or not they have Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches in heaven. Important things, you know.
I must confess that I was a little distraught after the first twenty minutes of my gaming session. You see, there is this cave scene segment… if you’ve played, you know what I’m referring to. Don’t judge me, but there is this moment where I almost had a real life panic attack. Okay, it wasn’t that intense. But I did almost cry. First of all, everything looks the same to me. This isn’t an attack on the game’s designers, it’s an attack on my sense of direction. It’s all so dark and scary and noisy that I wanted to just curl up into a ball, fetal position style, and cover my ears like a four year old. When I eventually found my way, this one dude kept popping up and killing me the same way over and over again. In my defense, I have never seen this symbol that is supposedly telling you to move the left joystick back and forth rapidly. I just kept trying to hit every button on the controller, which obviously didn’t work. I had to hit up my little brother for detailed instructions on how to handle this situation, per usual. I’m beginning to think he’s annoyed with me. Scratch that. I know with 100% certainty that he is annoyed with me. How rude, right?
On a serious note, I really love this character of Lara Croft. She’s strong and clever without being manly or too tough that it’s not realistic. She’s entirely feminine, but also entirely capable of shooting an eight point buck with a bow and arrow, then gutting it and cleaning the meat. So, I don’t exactly want or need to know how to do that. You caught me. But it’s still pretty cool that she can. Ladies, don’t you sort of want to be besties with Lara? Like, I want to hang out at her apartment and talk about boys, but then also grab our torches and go crawling through some dingy tunnels. Then we would all paint our nails and kills wolves with our bare hands. Girl’s night!
Happy gaming, you gamers!