Adventures of a Non-Gamer: Sonic Edition
by Shawnie Kelly (@DearShawnie)
As you know, Thanksgiving was last week and I’m happy to report that due to the whole family being in one place, I was able to pick right back up with my original gaming instructors: younger brothers Jordan, (let’s call him J-town) and Peter (Pita-bread). I was semi-reluctant to jump right back into this hostile gaming environment, but was hoping to impress them with all of the skills I’ve learned on this life-changing (kind of?) journey. It didn’t really pan out that way; instead of playing some stealthy combat-ish game, we opted for a fun approach — Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed.
The last thing any of us wants to do on a holiday is fight with family, and let me tell you that if we busted out Golden Eye one more time, somebody would have ended up filled with rage. And by someone, I mean J-town. He’s been known to rage-quit things in the past, and I didn’t want anyone rage-quitting our family fun gaming session. Nobody can rage-quit Sonic the Hedgehog! Sonic doesn’t run on the kind of fuel it takes to throw a controller through the window, so it seemed like a safe choice for our gathering,
First of all, what a change of pace! Recently, I’ve been playing strategic-based games that are not as fun for someone just wetting their gaming feet. Did you ever think you’d read that phrase? “Wetting their gaming feet” — calm down everyone, I’ll have bumper stickers available soon. Anyway, I remember playing the original Sonic on my friend’s Sega Genesis back in the golden days, also known as the nineties. Like most everything in the nineties, I remember this game being pretty bomb dot com. Naturally, the new one would be just as bomb. I was slightly disappointed, but this had nothing to do with the game and everything to do with the fact that sometime between 1994 and 2012, my Sonic skills took a severe hit — actually, they have been depleted.
The first red flag I encountered was when Pita-bread asked if I wanted to race or “battle race.” Um. What does battle-racing entail exactly? I can barely accelerate and steer at the same time, let alone hoist a rocket launcher to my shoulder and take out moving targets. There are people who can race and aim at the same time? Hats off to you weirdos! Another rather difficult aspect to this game (for a non-gamer) is that your car randomly transforms into some flying contraption that requires very advanced joystick navigation. My navigation is right at a comfortable 4.5 on a scale of one to ten, so clearly I had a disadvantage. Because of this flying portion, I came in sixth place consistently, which I normally would have been fine with. But I lost to three computers and only two actual humans. How embarrassing! Here I am trying to impress my coaches and I’ve basically gone backwards.
Another unfortunate setback occurred during my Sonic racing experience — all controller progress that I’ve made became null and void. The flying was merely the tip of the iceberg. They should limit this game to people with an actual real-life pilot’s license, but I’m over it. OVER IT! My real issue came on the racing turns. Apparently you are not supposed to push forward on the joystick, only left to right. This would have been helpful information from the start, but J-town and Pita-bread totally let me crash into walls the whole time, knowing what I was doing wrong. At least I didn’t rage-quit! This game was fun, and it reminded me of one thing to ask Santa for: Sega Genesis. Obviously.
Happy gaming, you gamers!