Adventures of a Non-Gamer: Ghost Recon Edition
by Shawnie Kelly (@DearShawnie)
Hey, Nerds! I know you’ve missed my superb gaming skills and cannot wait for more of my tips. And by that I mean, I’m still the worst gamer you’ll ever meet and you should probably never ever listen to anything I say. Basically, Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” was written about me and gaming. Gaming is trying to break up with me and I’m all, “No, I still love you!” It’s really emotionally draining, but in the end, I’m willing to fight for what I know is a beautiful thing.
I’m sad to report my reluctant gaming partners/brothers/verbally abusive coaches are busy with this silly thing called higher education, but I offered to babysit Jordan’s XBox 360 while he’s away. Lucky for me, I already have my degree and am free to pursue more worthwhile ventures like video games! So here I am, continuing my journey of humiliation self-discovery.
I’ve found that I love Tom Clancy games. Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, you guys! I should really calm down with the shooters because I’m starting to take cover and peer around corners in my everyday life and it’s freaking some people out. The only difference is that I’m not screaming, “HOW DO YOU UNCROUCH?!” in the middle of Target. Because that would be all kinds of awkward, am I right? You probably haven’t lived a full life until you’ve uttered that phrase. Unfortunately, I still have trouble with panicking in gunfire free-for-all situations. It’s not that I forget how the controller works, it’s just that I forget how the controller works. I also become strangely blind to the source of what’s killing me. The screen is slowly turning red and I’m still trying to reload. I’ve almost given up hope of ever becoming comfortable, but I refuse quit. That’s just a little something I learned in the school of hard knocks, my friends. What, you don’t think I’ve been there? Ask Jay-Z. We graduated together and we also have a secret handshake.
I love Tom Clancy games because they feel more strategic to me and less chaotic. Playing Halo with friends for the first time is basically the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m pretty sure you can get PTSD from that. Ghost Recon gives specific, clear objectives (that someone always has to interpret for me), and I like that about it. A little strategy is always fun. Speaking of strategy, did you guys know about the “action circles?” I’m sure that’s not the official term, but I’m going with it anyways. Oh man, how could I have gone so long without knowing about this?! When you and your fellow soldiers need to complete a task, a perfect little white circle magically appears on the screen, and I know that is where I need to be in order to complete the task. It just makes everything so much easier! Every game should have this. Period. End of story. The action circle is what it’s all about. In fact, I refuse to ever do anything in life ever again unless there is an action circle. What’s that? I need to go get my mail? Sorry, no action circle. What was that, officer? You need my license and registration? Do you have an action circle for that?
The only issue I have with this sort of game is all of the options. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m firmly anti-options. When I’m starting a new campaign, do I really need to choose from seven hundred million different types of guns? It’s overwhelming. I’m sure it’s less overwhelming for someone who knows what words like “scope” and “magazine” are referring to. I mean, am I getting a copy of Vogue with this machine gun? Because that would actually be awesome. So, I guess my anti-options stance is based entirely on lack of knowledge. And really, shouldn’t all of our major stances be grounded firmly in ignorance? I kid! I’m just too lazy to go through all of these guns. There, I said it.
My favorite part of the game is obviously automatic night vision. I really need someone to invent real life contact lenses that shift to night vision when needed. Get on that, scientists! I feel strongly that this technological advancement will lower crime rates astronomically. No more peeping Toms, no more pesky tweens creeping onto your lawn on Halloween to smash your pumpkins. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Think about it and get back to me.
I’m still waiting for that day when this stuff becomes second nature, but we can all agree that day is pretty far off. Until then, I’ll be working on my “uncrouching” maneuvers. Is there some kind of class for this? I’ll do some research.
Happy gaming, you gamers!